The Daily Feather — Woodchucks Keep on Chucking

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck

If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

As much wood as a woodchuck could chuck,

If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Mother Goose

The thing is woodchucks don’t eat wood! OK, there is one exception. If they rise from their winter slumber, a.k.a., “hibernation,” before the spring vegetation has sprung from Mother Nature’s loins, then yes, woodchucks resort to eating the bark off trees for sufficient sustenance. Otherwise, these marmots’ razor-sharp incisors are consistently dispatched to conduct the business of destroying your garden. Lovely. Hopefully, we can agree that the Order Rodentia; Family Sciuridae; Genus Marmota belongs to the most auspicious “R.O.U.S.,” as in Rodents of Unusual Size, given these brownish-gray varmints resemble squirrels on steroids. In the event you think we’ve taken a leave of our faculties, we’re droning on and on about woodchucks because they only go by that label in England. In the good old United States of America, we call these overgrown obnoxious gnawers “groundhogs.” Every February 2nd, newscasters swarm Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to document whether Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, foreshadowing a prolongment of winter.

If Phil doesn’t see his shadow, spring theoretically springs. The catch is Phil’s reliability. According to the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, Phil has predicted 108 continued winters and only 20 early springs through 2023. That’s all good and well until you incorporate the fact that Phil has only gotten it right 39% of the time.